Rice Vs Potatoes; Living with Cultural Differences
- mlcrendon
- Nov 21, 2023
- 8 min read
Updated: Nov 22, 2023
I cannot count the number of times I have been asked "Why did you marry a Filipino?" since I moved to the Philippines.
I usually answer with a joke; "I married him for his money" (as this would be the likely unspoken assumption in the country if I were an older Western male.)
The truth is neither of us had any money when we met or even when we got married so it is an ironic presumption which makes us laugh. My husband has been asked on several occasions about his salary amount as my driver, bodyguard, or our family house helper. He enjoys a cheeky reply"There are some benefits!"
He is not offended that fellow nationals assume he is hired by a "rich" Westerner or that our children are not his. I am grateful he has a wider mindset and a sense of humour. We both need it!
Crossed Cultures
We understand it is unusual to see a caucasian lady married to a Filipino man. People are genuinely curious and have many questions. I hope we can break down the stigmas. (We obviously didn't meet in an online spouse-hunting chat space!)
Do Opposites Attract?
He is an ex-professional basketball player. I am an ex-professional dancer. Somehow we find ourselves on a mismatched team playing together on an unusual court between a pair of ballet shoes and a slamdunk ring.
Incompatible on Paper
I am pretty sure we would fail a compatibility test. He is extroverted and will happily skip from one party invitation to another event with boundless energy and enthusiasm (and be the life centre of them all), whereas I prefer a quieter, private life with a controlled and limited measure of social interactions and will likely be at the sideline of any compulsory gathering observing the interactions.
He grew up in a one-room bamboo house with cardboard boxes for walls. I had my own bedroom in a small rural English town. His first job was shining shoes on the street. Mine was mowing the neighbour's lawns.
He hated English at school and deliberately answered all his exams in Tagalog. His former teacher finds it very amusing and satisfying that he married a British girl because now he speaks and writes English daily.
Family Fusion: How Do We Make it Work?
We have been married for 20 years; a unique and challenging ongoing life class! We are still learning. Two decades together will not make either of us experts.
Our differences are probably our greatest strengths.
Blended family fusion has gradually created our own unique family culture and traditions.
Here are a few ways we have blended, compromised or adjusted.
Communication is the Key!
There are 3 main languages in our home. The various possible combinations of speakers and listeners determine which is used but languages can switch several times mid-conversation or even mid-sentence!
I distinctly remember my Mum politely asking her grandchildren to argue in English so she could understand their dispute. ( I think cross-cultural parenting and grandparenting should be future separate posts!)
Shared Values
Birthdays, graduations, anniversaries and ALL the simple things in between matter. We value time together and want everyone to know they belong and have a place and a voice at the table every time in whatever language or culture. Our house is always open and you are always welcome! Just be prepared that mealtimes are not time-oriented; they start around the same time each day but can continue much longer than the average British family dinner!
Repeat and Rotate Means Connection
Relaxed Asian relational orientation focuses on connection without time boundaries. It fuels circular conversations that frequently roll through several cycles of repeated stories and jokes (which culturally become more animated and considered funnier with the increased retelling). The story rotations occasionally meet European productivity and efficiency ethics but eventually rotate back around again with another story. I have come to love and cherish this time together without a clock pace. It is a gift!
Conversation and instructions can be directly indirect! It depends on who you ask!
If you want the shorter concise version then ask me. If you have time to sit for a drink, some snacks and maybe stay for dinner then Mr. R will ensure you are well hydrated, fed and entertained along with your answer.
Food and Drink
Filipinos equate every gathering with food whether family or friends. Food means real cooked meals and snacks; not just afternoon tea and biscuits. Life really revolves around and rolls towards the next eating time together. With teenage twin lads who seem to be forever hungry and opening the fridge to check if something has magically appeared, food is a central pillar of organising the day and hours in the kitchen! Thankfully we have a cooking and washing-up rota schedule!
Daily life may be egg sandwiches or noodles for breakfast or brunch unless it's a birthday where pancakes are the treat and everyone gets a day off! We like to have brunch on Saturdays. It is just our rest day thing!
We eat rice, potatoes, and pasta. or noodles but not together in the same meal as many Filipino meals may! All meals and snacks are in shareable form. From chips (crisps) to opening a piece of fruit. They are always served on a plate for everyone to eat together.
I used to wonder about the sharing food aspect but food is a gift too and if you are fortunate to have some it should always be shared. My husband recalls his childhood neighbours sharing food with his family when they were in poverty. Food is one of his love languages; he loves sharing and giving food to the needy.
A Taste of England
A cup of tea can accompany everything and is the requested sickness recovery beverage. Although our kids seem predominantly Asian they all love tea, (hot and iced) especially served with china teacups and saucers if it is hot. I don't know why it tastes better from a teapot.
Tea is probably their most identifiable British influence apart from speaking English and using the 'correct' spellings for theatre, centre, colour, and favourite and 'proper' pronunciation!
Five Filipino Cultural Things I Gradually Adjusted To;
1) What is mine is"for everyone.
If you leave anything in a public space it then has automatic corporate ownership or use without requiring permission to "borrow", use or eat. This includes my hairbrush, slippers, a charger, extension wire, earphones, and a snack bowl of peanuts. I find my slippers all around the house and garden. My hairbrush frequently wanders and any food and occasionally a cup of coffee left for a moment is categorised as ours! Things like food are shared.
If a neighbour passes by the front gate while you are eating you should invite them to join. Invite and share!
2) Vicks Vaporub is the cure for all sickness! Apply generously to any body part for instant relief!
3) Rules are primarily just guidelines for interpretation especially when driving!
4) Time is a relative. If you are meeting someone or have invited them to visit and they text to say they are on their way it can mean a number of things.
They are on the way to the bathroom to take a shower to get ready.
They are going to be another 45 minutes up to 2 hours late.
They are on their way to find a taxi, bus or jeepney to head to your meeting place.
They are on their way and are "stuck in traffic."
They are not coming anymore and are avoiding to disappoint you! They will message again later to apologise.
My teens are required to be specific about their "on the way" text messages and send me photographic proof!
5) Laugh often! Life is challenging, frustrating, and disappointing. People around us live in real poverty with struggles most Westerners can hardly imagine but Filipinos manage to laugh in the direst situations. It is often a coping mechanism but laughter is also a shared medicine. No space for stiff subtle British awkward humour. Laughter is just as important as food!
How does a cross-cultural tri-lingual family live?
So where or how do we meet on the same page? How does the East join the West and find a place to forge a life and family with so many conflicting contrasts?
The Challenges
When we are asked to counsel couples both of us will readily admit that crosscultural relationships and family life have additional challenges to navigate and overcome. Neither of us recommends it (but we acknowledge that without any regrets) Truthfully it takes a lot of work; hard work and heart work!
Be a Learner
We have worked to try to approach each other as a learner, to seek to understand more than we desire to be understood. It takes effort and energy to patiently communicate in ways that are unnatural, uncomfortable and frustratingly foreign.
The hard and heart work is made most meaningful because our hearts and lives overlap in predominantly just ONE place; our shared love of people and a desire to make a difference in the world.
This is the core value thread tying all the strands together and running through the middle spine.
We approach and respond to this call and purpose from seemingly different ends of the spectrum but somehow the opposites are not a collision (or perhaps I should say are no longer a frequent collision.) We probably get it wrong more times than we get it right. Eventually, our diverse histories, educations and perspectives emerge as an unexpected and interwoven strength.
Admittedly it has taken us a long time to discover and understand this truth and the power of our seemingly opposing dynamics.
From the outside, the pairing is flawed with obvious potholes and barriers making the ride bumpier and frankly travelsick at times. We have had to change the tyres many times, realign the steering or take a pitstop for refuelling or redirection along the way.
The journey is our greatest opportunity to learn the difficult truths and fierce uncompromising commitment of agape love. The lessons we all need to practice in a polarised and divisive world.
Love God and Love Others
Our children are no strangers to the cultural prejudices and segregation of a mixed-race family. They are labelled as 'crossbreeds' and have been the victims of bullying and assault. My son is able to joke that he is half Doberman and half Golden Retriever but these kinds of racist comments are subtle forms of bullying.
They have endured frequent discrimination, unfair judgements, and more questions than they should have to answer. YET I see an enlarging capacity in them to offer mercy where it is undeserved and to love the isolated, shamed and outcast because they know how it feels.
They have understood the mandate.
Love without limits.
Love without labels.
Build bridges instead of barriers!
Walk the walk without talking.
Halo Halo Dessert Family
We have learned and are continuing to learn to be "Halo Halo"; a popular Filipino dessert translated as '"Mix Mix".
At first sight and taste the flavours and textures are mismatched and confusing. Halo Halo combines crushed ice with milk, beans, cornflakes, purple yam ice cream, coconut slithers, jackfruit pieces, sweet potato, and various other unusual ingredients.
To appreciate the diversity of each purple creamy beany spoonful requires a retraining of the tastebuds. It perfectly summarises all that we are endeavouring to be together.
Our cross-cultural experiences may have been our bumpy retraining ground but we know there is more to discover; whether rice or potatoes we will continue with one bite at a time and a few dance moves along the way!
Opmerkingen