What Matters Most
Updated: Aug 18
Discovering the Values That Shape Us
What do your choices say about you?
We all have things that we say matter to us. But our lives often reveal something deeper. The way we spend our time, the things we protect, the things that make us angry, the people we admire, and the sacrifices we are willing to make all tell a story.
Our choices reveal more than we might realise: the choices you make when you are tired, pressured, or when two things you care about pull you in different directions.
What Matters Most to Me?
It might seem easy to answer, but the connections are found in our values.
Values are the principles, beliefs, and priorities that guide our decisions and actions. They influence how we spend our time, the goals we pursue, how we treat others, and what we consider important in life.
Whether we realise it or not, our values are already shaping us.
The challenge is that we may not always recognise their strength or influence. We can be pulled by values we have never consciously identified, making choices without understanding what is really driving us.
What if the way you live doesn't completely match what you say matters to you?
You might say family matters, but rarely make time for the people you love.
You might say you value growth, but keep choosing comfort.
You might say honesty matters, until telling the truth becomes costly.
You might say you want to make a difference, but your attention is constantly pulled somewhere else.
This isn't about hypocrisy. It's about being human.
That is why discovering and understanding our values matters.
It can help us clarify our motives, understand our choices, and become more intentional about the people we are becoming.
Our values aren't always discovered by simply choosing words from a list.
They can often be found in our stories, reactions, choices, disappointments, priorities, and hopes.
Why Values Matter
Imagine setting out on a journey without a compass. You may be moving ahead, but without a sense of direction, you can easily become disoriented and lost.
Values act as an internal compass. They help us navigate choices, challenges, opportunities, and relationships. When we understand what matters most to us, we gain greater clarity about who we are and who we want to become.
Sometimes the tension we feel in life is a signal that something important is being challenged.
A person who deeply values family may feel conflicted when work consistently takes them away from the people they love.
Someone who values integrity may struggle in an environment where dishonesty is accepted.
Someone who values growth may become frustrated when they feel stuck or stop learning.
Understanding our values doesn't automatically make difficult decisions easy. But it can help us understand why a decision feels difficult and what is really at stake.
Values Reveal Themselves
Values aren't always obvious. Most of us have never deliberately sat down and decided what matters most to us. We simply absorb ideas from our families, cultures, experiences, communities and relationships. Some become deeply rooted. Others are challenged and reshaped as we grow.
We can discover them by paying attention to our responses to life.
Look at what makes you angry.
Sometimes frustration reveals something we deeply value.
If unfairness makes you particularly angry, perhaps you value justice.
If being ignored bothers you deeply, perhaps you value respect or belonging.
If you become frustrated when people don't keep their promises, perhaps you value reliability, trust, or integrity.
Our strongest reactions can sometimes point towards something important beneath the surface.
Look at what makes you proud.
Think about moments when you have thought:
"I'm really glad I did that."
What was happening?
What did you do?
What does that moment reveal about what matters to you?
Perhaps you stood up for someone. Perhaps you persevered when something was difficult. Perhaps you helped someone else succeed.
Our moments of genuine pride can reveal the kind of person we want to be.
Look at what you protect.
What are you unwilling to compromise?
What do you defend, even when doing so is inconvenient?
What boundaries are important to you?
The things we protect can reveal what we consider valuable.
Look at what you admire in others.
Who do you admire?
What qualities do you notice in them?
The characteristics we consistently admire in other people can tell us something about the qualities we want to develop in ourselves.
Perhaps you admire someone's courage, kindness, creativity, wisdom, loyalty, humility, or determination.
Our admiration can become a clue.
Look at what you are willing to sacrifice for.
This may be one of the clearest ways to discover what we truly value.
Values become particularly visible when something costs us.
What are you willing to give up your time, comfort, money, opportunities, or convenience for?
What is important enough that you are willing to make sacrifices?
Sometimes what we are willing to sacrifice for tells us more about our values than what we say matters to us.
Claimed Values and Lived Values
There is another important distinction we need to make.
We can say that something matters to us without consistently living according to it.
We might claim certain values because they sound good, because we were taught they were important, or because they describe the person we hope to become.
But our choices can tell a different story.
For example:
"I value family."
But where does family appear in my calendar?
"I value learning."
But when did I last make time to learn something new?
"I value honesty."
What happens when telling the truth costs me something?
This isn't about judging ourselves.
There will always be gaps between the person we are and the person we want to become. Instead, it is an invitation to become more honest and more self-aware.
Our declared values are what we say matters to us.
Our lived values are what our choices consistently demonstrate matters to us.
Sometimes the two align, but frequently they don't. Discovering that difference can be incredibly valuable and insightful.
A Personal Conviction
I always said that I valued my family most of all, which is where my heart, prayers, and tears were directed, but my time and focus with them didn't match up. I was convicted in the midst of a simple conversation with my daughter when I realised I hadn't really heard the sentences she shared with me. In that moment, I faked it and pretended I knew what she had been saying, but the guilt revealed that I needed to refocus and match up my heart with my actions.
Consider this question:
If someone watched how I spent my time, money, energy, and attention, what would they think I value?
The answer might surprise you.
Values and Leadership
This matters because our values don't stay inside our heads.
They eventually become visible through our choices.
Our values influence our decisions.
Our decisions shape our habits.
Our habits shape our character.
And our character influences the way we lead.
Leadership is not built through occasional impressive actions. It is developed through the consistent choices we make over time.
If we say we value integrity, our leadership will eventually test what that means when honesty becomes uncomfortable.
If we value compassion, our leadership will reveal how we respond when someone else's needs interrupt our plans.
If we value courage, our leadership will eventually ask whether we are willing to speak up when remaining silent would be easier.
Our values become most visible when they are tested.
Imagine you're offered an opportunity you've been working towards for years.
It could change your future. It could open doors. It could give you recognition, success, or financial security.
But there's a catch.
Taking it means giving up something else that matters deeply to you.
Suddenly, the decision isn't so simple.
What do you choose? And how do you decide?
These are the moments when our values are truly revealed.
How Do I Live Out My Values?
Discovering our values is not about finding a perfect list of words that describes us. I see them regularly on job applications.
I am creative, hardworking, consistent.......
It is about becoming more aware of what already shapes and motivates us.
What matters enough to influence my choices?
What do my reactions reveal?
What do my priorities reveal?
What am I willing to sacrifice for?
Am I living in a way that reflects what I say matters to me?
Leadership requires more than showing up and performing. It is about living and leading from our values authentically, which takes us deeper and hopefully makes us stronger too!
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