Breaking The Chains of Anxiety: Reclaiming Lost Ground

I thought of writing about anxiety at least 22 times over the past year but always backed out from penning the words.

It is a vulnerable and dangerous place to put a voice and a face to the silent agony. To speak up is to be heard and seen and to risk the things you have tried to protect yourself from. It is easier to withdraw and self-protect but I think I am ready.....

How did it start?

It evolved without the label.

Waking up and feeling overwhelmed.

Opening each email with dread.

Jumping when the phone rings.

Small physiological responses with deeper difficulties beneath...

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength — carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” — Corrie ten Boom

Family challenges

Financial losses

Disappointment

Responsibility for hard decisions

Betrayal

False cases and accusations brought against us

Threats

Parenting teenagers

Deaths

Sickness

Loneliness

Injuries

Staff shortages

Perimenopause

Covid19 lockdowns

Homeschooling four isolated children (The Philippines had the longest lockdown in the world and schools were closed for 2 academic years).

The list is much longer, but these sufficiently paint the background.

Each challenge and crisis, written and unwritten, gradually eroded my resilience and confidence. Some were so strategic in their wounding, that it became clear the intention was to take each of us out one at a time and leave nothing left!

How do you lead when you are broken and weary?

We took so many blows one after the other. My husband took a year out to recover. He said he couldn't lead and bleed. I deeply respected his need to heal. He didn't want to injure anyone in his hurting. We desperately needed his leadership and wisdom but I knew our family's recovery depended on his. I made space for it willingly and held the fort to let him restore the way he needed to. In retrospect, I could feel the imploding but I had to remain standing and guarding.

Anxiety is described as an emotion, but I experienced it like an engine; a motor without an off switch generating an underlying force, consuming energy and rotating relentlessly.

What is Anxiety?

It is different from fear - because fear responds to the present threat. It is different from stress - because stress is the body's response to pressure. Anxiety goes deeper as a more profound, persistent, constant that is overwhelming and exhausting.

Anxiety is the anticipation and dread of an expected future threat just around the corner; it could be today, or tomorrow. Overwhelm describes the escalating loss of control and the overload of uncertainty. Anxiety kicks in as a self-protective mechanism bracing the soul for the next crashing wave. It is experienced as much as it is felt in powerlessness; another devastating phone call, another court summons, another financial supporter dropping from the ministry, another text message with demands, another impossible deadline, another problem to solve with severely depleted inner resources......another.....another...

I have trained in counselling and mental health coaching. I know and recognise the symptoms and the techniques; I can pastorally support others and help them recover but despite the coping strategies I know and use, I could not turn off my engine. The propeller kept on turning.

Steps of Change

Here are the steps of change that helped me move into new perspectives and ways of living.

Breaking the Chains

RESET means to set again. To re-establish. I think it involves some melting first!

I would love to say change happened instantly but in reality, it was a year and a half of gradual decompression. God knew the deep pain and losses were too overpowering to tackle or process at once. Each weight needed to be lifted one at a time to reduce the pressure so I wouldn't collapse in ruins. The road out of the survival prison was a gentle and slow one.

GOD IS SO GENTLE AND KIND!

Physical Recovery

Recovering physical safety was first before attempting to face the mental and emotional giants.

After being homeless for 15 months, a few miracles aligned; our family was suddenly moved from the frontline battleground into an unexpected oasis. We viewed, bought, and moved into a new house in less than 3 days. It sounds crazy to write, but it was all perfectly aligned in timing and covered with holy grace making the massive transfer a smooth and joyful adventure. It was miraculous because there was no stress, pressure, or anxiety at all!

For the first time in 7 years, I started sleeping through the night. I woke up shocked that it was morning and I hadn't been awake for long lonely and desperate hours in the darkness. I hadn't realised how cumulative exhaustion had disintegrated my body and mind. It felt like I was on vacation to open my eyes to the morning light without the weights and heaviness.

Gradually sleep began to shift those rusty engine gears.

"He RESTORES my soul!" Psalm 23:3

Mental Recovery

I started laughing again.

It seemed I had forgotten the beauty, frequency and medicine of pure belly laughter. The kind that is not rooted in any form of teasing, or jokes, but in the deep release of feeling blessed and ultimately grateful.

Puppy therapy!

There are practical and identifiable things that helped my mind recover.

Here are a few from my list.....

Prayer - This is the ultimate key!

My family

Movement (exercise, dancing, walking, cycling, stretching)

Creativity (writing, crochet, sewing, dreaming, journaling)

Fresh air

Sunlight on my skin (especially in the morning!)

Music

Watching the moon and looking at the stars night after night

Cold showers on hot days

Singing (my kids love karaoke!)

Digging soil and making compost

Planting and checking on plants

Coffee

The sound of heavy downpour rain

Bare feet on grass

A lively Pomeranian puppy

Hugs

Nutrition

Saying 'No' more frequently

Repainting walls

Crunching ice cubes

Reclaiming Lost Ground

After 6 months of gradual weight removal, I was finally able to start the real work of my damaged heart.

I grieved deeply for all the things and people we lost or were unjustly stolen. Even the time lost, the stress and forced changes we endured, and the long list of unanswered questions. Here were the tangled roots. Grief is necessary for restoration because it involves letting go.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Grief is so complex and multi-layered.

I could accept the realities but to experience and work through the pain layers and make the needed internal emotional and spiritual adjustments required time and space. I desperately wanted to construct meaning or purpose for the losses as if it would explain or justify my defeats. I had survived adversities and crises for so long that it took weeks to shift out of high-alert mode and into a deep reset and soul realignment.

On December 31, 2022, as the clock struck midnight into a new year and tears streamed down my face I heard in my spirit the word RECOMPENSE!

RECOMPENSE is described as compensation or repayment for loss or suffered harm. Some may use the word compensation or restitution.

As the fireworks exploded above us to celebrate the new year, I had no idea we would move into a new location in less than 30 days. This recompense trajectory launched up and over my life...and continues 18 months later...

I discovered El Gemulot - a name which describes God's restorative actions and heart for justice and completeness. He is the God of recompense.

Proverbs 6:31 describes the requirement of a thief who has been caught:

"But if he is found, he shall restore sevenfold"

The word restore is Shalem which describes complete restoration. It is also translated as recompense or full payment. In this case, everything stolen, killed, and destroyed must be repaid seven times.

Here I found the promise; a stake in the ground to begin to claim each lost territory and the Promise Keeper whose name declares a victorious return.

Not everything has been recovered. Lost lives cannot be returned, however, I continue to experience restoration and restitution in cumulative and unexpected ways. There are ongoing challenges and heartaches but triumph requires a prayerful fight forward.

I am standing again, with a sword returned to my hand, and a heart ready!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6